Chasing Lost Voices
by millarrrrr
Summary: When Castiel dies Sam keeps paying his phone bill. Dean can't stop leaving voicemails.


_Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring_

**You have reached the voicemail of **_I don't understand, why do you want me to say my name? _**-click-**

"_Cas? Cas, you aren't answering- God knows how many voicemails I've left you now. You need to call me back Cas, I've been ringing you and… and you can't be dead. You've died, what- twice now? And you came back. You came back. Just stop whatever you're doing and answer the phone- fuck, Cas, bye"_

Sam watched Dean from across the motel room with a concerned frown on his face, what Dean was doing wasn't healthy- it wasn't healthy in the slightest, but Sam didn't care, not if it would help Dean. He would keep paying Cas' phone bill, because even if Castiel wasn't on the other end of the phone, Dean could still ring and talk. Sam considered it Dean's therapy, or at least his coping mechanism.

Sam let it continue, because this was Dean, and even this was better than Dean drinking.

.

.

_Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring_

**You have reached the voicemail of **_I don't understand, why do you want me to say my name? _** -click-**

"_Castiel- you stupid son of a bitch, why did you have to do it? Why did you have to team up with Crowley? _Crowley_ of all people. Fuck, Cas. You could have asked me and Sam. You _should_ have asked me and Sam. Hell, you should have even asked _Balthazar_ for help. Crowley? Goddamit Cas. He got you killed. If it wasn't for him, you wouldn't have taken all those souls and the Leviathans wouldn't have killed you. Fuck you Cas. Why did you have to do that? Why did you have to die on us? Why did you have to leave us? Why did you have to leave _me_? Fuck you Cas. Fuck you for trying to fight Raphael on your own. Fuck you for teaming up with Crowley. And fuck you for dying Cas."_

Sam should have been worried about the more frequently angry messages that Dean was leaving Castiel- or more rather leaving Castiel's empty phone- but honestly, he was just glad that Dean seemed to have finally accepted that Cas wasn't going to call him back. That Cas wasn't coming back.

That Cas would _never_ come back.

.

.

_Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring_

**You have reached the voicemail of **_I don't understand, why do you want me to say my name? _** -click-**

"_-but Cas… please come back. Please. I'll never ask anything of you again, I promise. I-… I'm sorry I was mad at you Cas, I mean it. I'm not mad at you. I- I just want you back Cas. Fuck Cas, I'm sorry you died thinking I was mad at you. I was never mad at you. I was hurt, hurt and sad and worried and fuck. If you come back I'll tell you all this properly, I'll tell you everything that I felt. That I still feel. Please Cas, _please_, I'm begging you. Come back."_

Sam only heard half of that message, because lately Dean had been walking outside to ring Castiel. Dean had been hiding from Sam during the messages because he didn't want Sam to see how cut up he really was. But he didn't need to hide away, because when he came back, his red face and the way that a stray few tears swam in his eyes showed just how he really felt. He especially didn't need to hide, considering that he noted the sadness in Dean's eyes when Dean thought Sam couldn't see him. Or how the shortness of breath and broken sobs that Dean gave when he thought Sam was asleep, showed just how guilty he really felt whenever he thought about the fact Cas thought Dean hated him when he died.

Sam thought paying for Cas' phone to run was a good idea. Now he wasn't so sure.

.

.

_Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring_

**You have reached the voicemail of** _I don't understand, why do you want me to say my name? _** -click-**

"_Cas, I-…"_

At first the differences in Dean's behaviour were subtle, simple exaggerations on his already hedonistic style personality- just a tad more drinking here, a little bit more of research on Dick there, one or two nights which he spent with which ever girl he had picked up at a bar. And then all of a sudden Sam looked back on the last few months, and everything seemed so much different. Dean never seemed to be sober, he was googling Dick with an almost feverish obsession and even on jobs had nights where he didn't come back. Even the calls had stopped. Maybe it was just that during the phone calls that had lasted for months on end he had wasted all his words, maybe he had nothing left to say- maybe Dean had just given up.

Dean was stuck in a slump that even Sam couldn't get him out of.

.

.

_Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring_

**You have reached the voicemail of **_I don't understand, why do you want me to say my name? _**-click-**

"_Cas. I'm going to stop now, okay? I'm going to stop now, because I can't keep doing this. I can't keep ringing you in the hopes that one day you'll answer the phone, and you'll come back to me. And God knows how many messages I've left you, God knows how many messages I almost left you._

_If I'd had the time with you Cas, if I'd known you were going to be taken from us, I would have said and done a lot more. I wouldn't have shouted at you. I wouldn't have just called you when I needed you. I would have done stuff with you. I would have drank a liquor store with you. I would have hugged you. Fuck Cas, I would have told you-"_

Dean stuttered, stopped, a thousand words running through his head, none of which he spoke

"-_that I loved you. And I'm sorry that I never told you that before you died, I'm sorry you died thinking that I hated you and I'm sorry for- well I'm sorry for a lot of things. I just know that out of everything in my life, everything I've ever done and ever will do- I'm most sorry for the fact that I never told you I loved you._

_And, what I'm about to tell you is stupid, right? Because only a stupid son of a bitch would say this, only a stupid son of a bitch would say that part of him is glad that he went to Hell- because hell, if I hadn't I wouldn't have met you. And uh, I love you. Yeah. I love you._

_Me and Sam are heading are heading out to Georgia, right now, a couple of people died there, and we think it's vengeful spirits- I'm only telling you this 'cause the first hunt I went on after coming out of Hell was some vengeful spirits- admittedly they were 'cause of the Apocalypse and these ones are _only_ spirits- but you get what I mean. But I, uh, I'm ending this here Cas."_

Dean stopped the endless thoughts that ran through his head, and spoke the last five words he would ever say to the blue eyed angel,

"_Goodbye Cas. I love you."_

**-click-**


End file.
